It's December!!!

Salam... (thou xda org jawab salam but still, nk salam gak! haha)

hi hi hi.... *lelambai tangan*

soooo.... it's December.. yep, the year of pain aka 2017 is approaching to an end...

so let me see what did i achieve in 2017 so far?

- heart broken
- stress
- anxiety
- depression
- pain
- stress
- jealousy
- heart broken
- stress
- stress (again)
-weight gain (I'm fat!)
- more stress

ok la... at least xrasa nk bunuh diri lagi kannnnnnn... *agkat kening double jerk*

ok, here's the real one:

- First Class Degree in Bachelor of Mechanical Engineering (Hons.)
- finished my degree in Sept 20, like finally all the hardwork titik peluh bagai nangis stress memalam like whattttt smua dh setel, habis, keuttt, tamat.. hahahhahahhah


- PRS pun ok je, jd alumni, last position as General Secretary, thou masa mula2 dpt position tu rasa mcm i deserved to be in better (higher) position, aka maybe Vice Pres keeee... ni jadi Secretary je ape barang enn... -__-" tp bile pikir balik, ok la aku jd Secretary, muka garang gini, xreti senyum, xreti console org, xbercakap dgn org... hahaha.. baik aku duk dendiam ngadap laptop, check proposal je wehhhh... ahhahaha.. Thanks la Aizuddin.. *hi5 ciked*

tu je la kot.... sepanjang 2017.. pebenda je lagi aku buat? haahhahaha... keje xdpt lagi, masih menganggur, masih mencari, dan masih berusaha utk mencari, cume rezeki je belom sampai.. tp alhamdulillah, before aku hbis study lagi dh ckp kt diri sendiri actually, kalau Allah SWT bg rezeki lambat utk cari kerja, actually tu sbb nk suh aku spend time dgn ibu abah, ye la kan.. duk UNITEN xpenah kot balik cuti sebulan.. paling lama pun 2minggu rasanya.. hehee.. bapak lama xduduk umah weh... so it's time utk jaga ibu abah.. jaga ke? hahahha..

and alhamdulillah, tgh perbaiki diri dgn amal, makin tekun baca Al-Quran skrg.. mse zaman degree tu, aci redah je.. klau taim nk jd setan, xbaca pun, klau tetibe rasa insaf, baik sikit bru baca.. ahhahaha.. pelik betul, mse Ramadhan aritu asal xleh khatam Al-Quran eh, lemau gile.. asal baca je, ngantuk.. hmmm, setan... so here's my daily routine

lepas Subuh - kalau xngantuk and rajin (Yassin)
lepas Maghrib - Al- Waqiah (wajib) kekadang bukak Surah Luqman.
lepas Isyak - Al-Mulk ( ni paling WAJIB) rasa xlengkap klau xbaca yg nie..

pastu ari Jumaat lepas Zohor, baca Alkahfi..

ciked je en.. tp bia la yg ni jd habit dlu, bru blh tmbh yg lain2.. hehe.. azam nk khatam quran, tp cam xsempat je before 2018.. so gua kuburkan dahulu, tggu 2018 lak.. ahahaah.. Aminnnnn... niat baik dapat pahala kannnn....

sooo? what's next?

Adib.. Mohamad Amir Adib Ramli.

Eh? hidup lagi mamat ni? hahahahhaa.. hidup je.. aku dh delete gmba ws aku, dh jarang post status, pastu dh sorok last seen.. last time mse aku buat cmni, mse tgh in cold war dgn adib dlu, tp time tu couple lagi la.. it takes adib 1 and a half day to realize, pastu dia ws tny, "dh block i ke?" to which i replied, "sory, tak childish mcm u.." hahahhaha... kelakar en.. pastu arini xtaw la hari keberapa dh aku delete gmba ws, sorok last seen tu, xda pun dia ws tny pape.. wehh, nk tny apa kannn.... dia kan duk bz layan girlfriend dia, mne nk kesah kat ko gileeeee... aduuu... *middle finger to me*

hahahhahahahhaahahahhahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahhahahahahah......

Padahal xgelak pun... sedih sebenarnya.. heh.. aku still read dia pny last ws, aku still tgk dia punya last seen and aku still berharap utk dia ws aku pastu ckp, "i tipu u je haritu, i xda girlfriend lain pun, i nak u berusaha cari keje cecepat so that u boleh dekat dgn i..i still love u and i forever will...."

Perghh.... confirm aku cairr shetttt.... ahhahaha....BODOH.. kn? After all the cruel word he threw to me, after he broke my heart, he broke my trust to him... after all these while, syazwani still blh forgive him and terima dia balik.. bodoh kan? bodoh gile......and this why, ladies and gentlemen, I HATE MYSELF.

ok til then.... adios amigos, nak smbung tgk While You Were Sleeping.
Jongsuk omeyyyy... biubiu..

kbai..
salam back.

Tanggal 19 Nov 2017

Assalamualaikum.

Hi, it’s been a long time since my last entry,kn? I think last one was in May? Soo much things happened in between unfortunately... 😅

So what’s new?
Tanggal 19th Nov 2027 marks the ending for my 4 years relationship with Mohamad Amir Adib.

Sounds new?
Naaaa.. we broke up couple of time already before.. but why this one seems so real? Maybe because Adib finally found the girl that he’s searching for?

Coz the reason why he broke up with me is: distance and he met someone new.

That is a total different excuses and reasons from the past 4years. So this is why I believe that this is the ultimate ending (maybe).

But he hurts me... deep enough, and it’s still bleeding.. 💔

“I bukan nak mintak izin you utk break up, I dh klua drp hidup you”
“I dah walk away from your life long before you knew it”
“Kite tak bahagia pun sekarang ni”
“Maybe we should just stop”

Damn, these just pierce my heart again and again. Flesh wounds, fresh and bleeding all over 💔

So hi, Adib. Apparently writing your name still give me the shiver, the nervousness, the fluttering..
How’s that girl? Pretty? Kind? Just the way you want her to be? Okay tak? I tgk gmba yg nik bg kat i, she looks pretty... maybe both of u suit each other. I hate to say this but, congratulations. Maybe she’s the one for you. Well I hope she is.

The pain that you gave me, well it’s a flesh wound so it surely gonna take some time before it heals. Tp I dh boleh cakap psal ur current girlfriend ni so rsenye it’s getting better. I just tak sangka, that we finally end our relationship, the almost 4-years-relationship. But you know what, I wrote this in my previous entries in this blog, that I’m just a ‘penjaga jodoh orang’. So just maybe, it’s time to give you to the correct person that you belong to. But, honestly saying,I macam xredha sgt.. hahahaha... coz I love u damn much already.

Tp the most important thing here is your happiness, Adib.. believe me I would cross hell for your happiness.. so being heart broken ni ape la sangat.. as long as you are happy.. pasal meroyan apa semua tu biasa la, pompuan mcm I ni mmg payah sikit nk terima kenyataan but look at me now, ok je kan.. nangis 2-3 hari tu biasa la.. smpai bile je i akan nangis.. one time later, i akan stop jugak.. dun wory bout me.. syazwani mmg biasa mcm ni.. lekkkk... 😆 mcm la u kesah pasal i kann... hahahahah.. SILLYYYY 😅... jangan.kesah.pasal.i.. please

Macam biasa, i akan ambik masa to move on.. dun wory, lama2 ok la.. hahaha.. biasa dh mcm ni..
Tapi i nak cite pasal ape yg keep on lingering on my mind atm, igt tak yg kite klua tgk wyg mse i dtg uniten sbb competition fyp? I igt I rindu gile kat u mse tu, maybe around 2weeks kot xjmpe sbb i dh hbis bljr so blik besut la.. I igt I tny you,

“Do you love me?”
“Yes”
“You nak kawen dengan i ke tak?”
“Nak”

Damn dude, that feels...........wonderfully amazing. I was in cloud nine because of your simple but sincere answers. But little do i know, that time you mesti tgh fikir pasal ur current girlfriend kan? Maybe u fikir, which one of us is better? What should be the best answer for my question? What should i say? Allahu, mesti stress kan? Damn, sorry you.. I cam bodoh sgt tny soalan mcm tu.. sorry.. i truly am..

Bagus adib, you’ve made a good decision by throwing me and keeping her. I byk salah kt u and i rse i xkan dpt jd a good wife for you pun sbb selalu melawan u and all.. sorry, u wasted 4years with me. I’m sorry. I truly am.. but klau dapat putarkan masa, i would still choose u all over, and i wanna go thru this fluttering, heart breaking moments you gave me.. coz just maybe, these were the times that I thought I still have my heart attached. But if u can turn back the time, i hope u wouldn’t choose me again.

For the past years, ego i tinggi mencanak naik kan? Maybe makin tggi sekarang sbb dh broken heart.. hahaha.. masak la sape yg selepas you... jap, ada ke? Damnn... cmne dia nk kawal i? Hahahahha.. payah dgn attitude cam setan i nie.. let’s not go there k.. i knew I’m worst than anyone can ever think off.. ergh, sometimes I can’t even coop with my own self, cmne org nk coop with me kan?

K dh byk meroyan pasal bnda ngarut.. 😅

Damn Adib, i love you. I will always do. Thanks for the memories. Please live happily ever after. I forgive you tho u didn’t ask for any forgiveness. Good luck! Jaga dia leklok.

This promise... can I keep it?

Salam again.

I sorta promised myself that I ain't gonna be all broken heart(ed) if our (me and Adib) relationship didn't work out and can't be saved anymore...

I sorta promised myself that I won't turn back to Adib if he met someone that he really like and they finally decided to be together (marry and stuff like that)..

I sorta promised myself that I'm only protecting(?) someone's jodoh (in this case, the Adib) so whenever and wherever he doesn't want me anymore, I must move on and continue with my life as it is and never cling on Adib and act all poor, pity and stuff coz that is so damn PATHETIC Syazwani.. like pls dun.....hbis la my dignity... haih...

I sorta also promised myself that I won't be keeping any grudge against Adib coz whatever happened between us were all in the past and maybe we weren't matured enough so that's why we did these and those, so these and those ain't Adib's fault alone, they were also mine, so no grudging pls..

I sorta promised myself to always stay strong and wish for the best for Adib coz he deserved the best, and maybe the best ain't me, so wani mohon kena start sedar diri coz please... not that pathetic again k..

Maybe we just aren't meant for, in this life.. Maybe we just meant to cross path with each other.
Maybe...

Tutup salam.

Past? Present? Future?

Assalamualaikum.

Soooooo.... it's 5th of Ramadhan 1438 AH.. Alhamdulillah, dh 4 hari puasa..

So, what's new? Hmmm... I fall ill exactly when Ramadhan started til today. Siap pegi emergency kt Hospital Serdang lgi pukul 3 pagi bhai.. pergh.. sbb migraine and mmg insomnia xleh tdo. Seksanya ya ampun, dh la nk kne bgun for sahur later on pastu xleh tdo. Seb baik la awal2 sakit tu, it was weekend, so I just sleep thru the day la sbb xlarat sgt. Pastu asyik muntah, sakit kepala, batuk, demam, sakit tekak.. really really really challenging namati la... Rasa cm nk mati dh pun ada gak tp bile pikir amal xseberapa so mcm xlayak je nk mati mse bulan Ramadhan.. hahaha (-_-)"

Next, wanna talk about Adib of course.. hahahahhahahhaahaahhahhahahahahahahahahahaha

Memang xda nama lain wehhhh... sorry r... hehehe...
We are getting more far from each other I guess. He started working in Cognizent, Cyberjaya. Senang la kan dpt keje sbb bdk Software Eng kan.. Software kan tgh demand skrg so yeah, alhamdulillah la rezeki dia.. But I'm so pissed coz I got to spend less time with him, since he's working right.. but yeah, priorities, dude..?? come on?? LOL

I can understand that you're being damn busy with works and all. K la fine, u blik pun dh pkul 6.30 ptg and of course, I dun feel like disturbing him during the office hour and I didn't even disturbed him during the weekdays, faham la penat, bz bagai.. but still, a single ws will be more that enough kot...kot.. What about a single text wishing 'Good morning, I'm on my way to work. Have a nice day ahead'. Kan dh bahagia dh aku satu hari tu klau dpt ws cmtu.. But now, HAROOOMMMMM... mimpi la wani...

So we watched Pirates of The Carribean on the 26th May, midnight la kot kirenye, sbb start wyg kul 11.30pm. Ya Allah, idk la, I'm still hurt sbb dia keep on mrh2 mse I bwk kete, mcm I bwk teruk sgt.. I mcm nk ngs kot that time but tahan je sbb dh lama xklua dgn dia so bile dia ajk tgk wyg tu, ya Allah, hepi nye rase.... but when those kinda thingy happen, pastu dia ckp yg dia nyesal ajk aku tgk wyg sbb driving skill aku, sbb aku cm jln cpt2 nk msuk sbb dh lmbt, wyg dh start bagai.. I was like, teruk sgt eh aku nie.. haih wani........

Pastu aku pikir balik la, patutnya aku xyah agree pun nk pegi tgk wyg tu, lgi buat aku sakit hati ada la.. aku kemain rindu kat dia but when things like these happen, aku dh cm lantak ah, whatever, dh mcm skati ko la nk jd ape pun.. but i didn't say it in front of his face la kan.. kang nnti dia lgi marah. Adib tu panas baran kot, pastu ego tggi, tggi lgi drp aku.. tang mne ntah buat aku syg sgt kt dia.. hmmm..... yes, I know, wani bodoh.. dh taw dh..

Oh, lupe nk cite yg psal Adib ckp aku buruk tu.. hahahha.. mse tu tgk program MDR tp serious aku pny jerawat mmg haywire la.. aku pun geli dgn muka sndiri.. like yucks gile.. tp aku cm xsgka la dia nk ckp direct trus kata aku buruk, bapak kuajaq.. mmg la buruk, but perlu ke nk ckp cmtu gile.. bangang nye la.. dia mcm mak ko ckp kt ko, ko buruk.. tu la kot feeling dia.. sbb ko kan msti syg mak ko kan, so bile org yg ko syg, igt akn terima ko seadanya pastu dia ckp ko buruk.. haa, gitu la feeling dia.. bapak ah aku tacing taim tu almost smggu gak la, siap block adib kt ws, insta dgn twitter... ahahhahaha.. last2 dia call la cri aku, tp tu laa, laki ni slow skit, dia xtaw pun ape slh dia... herghh... stress noks nk meng-explain-nye..... haihhhhh......

Ok, back to other things pulak, yg ada kaitan sikit dgn tajuk atas tu... hahahahhaha..

The thing is, I dunno why la, since Ramadhan, I kept on being remembered on how Adib actually treated me in the early stage of our relationship, we went terawih together, we went buka puasa together, we went here and there til shah alam, jumpe Ainmas, and all of these were because I asked for them. I. Ask.For.Them....and now? hmmmm... mcm xleh je nk buke puasa skali, mcm xleh je nk g terawih skali. Btw, I didn't even dare to ask actually.. hahhaha.. coz takut kne mrh, coz I know he works til late evening, pastu dh penat bagai kan. So, I sorta understand that la.. yeke? (hehe)..

On our way back to his home after the movie, I asked,
" Kalau I x contact u ajk jmpe mlm ni, u contact i tak?" coz I was thinking, we gonna start fasting tomoro, so we shud see each other before fasting..coz..idk...yeah, I miss him, that's the real reason. hahahaha...

To which he replied,
"No."

So I asked,
"Mmg plan ke nk pegi tgk wyg nie."

To which he also replied,
"No."

I wanna ask a few more questions but I know he doesn't like to be questioned, kang dia tggl aku tepi jalan, sapa nk kutip bhai.. hahahaha.. so yeah, I kept silent la.. But my mind were spinning, thinking, rolling coz yeah...... Wani, overthinking is my best friend. hahaha..

But, we have changed. not only him, but me too.. Adib became someone with a very baran person, kot.. xleh dh nk mnja2 sgt dgn dia, nk ngade2 pun xleh.. He's getting angrier every single time we met.. I dun even know thou, is it my fault? I think so.. I always always always asked silly questions.. Sorry Adib... Mohon bertahan lgi few months til I'm graduating k..

and Syazwani also changed, I became timid when in front of Adib, berani lawan dia dlm ws je.. ego dh buang ke laut, but sometimes ada jgk la.. but still, I'm a yes person, every time dgn Adib.. ntah la.. Sorry again, Adib.. (if u were reading this)

I miss our past. I seriously miss them so damn much.. seriously, I'm not joking.. I miss em soooo much.. and present Adib is so scary... and future Adib? We gonna have a future together mehh?? ok la, mybe the next few months until Oct kot.. til I graduate k.. so for the next few month, I dunno..

Will we still be together?
Will you be bored with me?
Will you still love me? (Eh jap, even now kan, do u still love me?)
Will you still be that scary?
or
Will you just be a memory?

I dunno. But, told ya before, tugas Syazwani jaga jodoh orang is too normal k.. even angah pun, dh tlg jga mse kt intec dlu.. hahaha.. so kt uniten ni, kire tlg jaga jodoh untuk adib la en.. deng.. saya layak jaga jodoh org je ke awak?? ermmmm....

not sure I'm still in love with the current you, or I'm only in love with the past you... but I sure miss the memories.. Nowadays memories scared me, saddened me, stressed me..

A few more months left til Oct, wani.
Til then, adib, sy jaga awk elok2 k.. (padahal aku yg kne org jaga)

xpe la.. Syazwani mmg penjaga bhai.. hahaha..

Salam Ramadhan, mintak2 puasa penuh tahun nie mls nk ganti. Aminnnnn~~~
Adios

Ada apa pada 1 April?

Salam.

Ada apa pada 1 April?
Tak ada apa2..
So apa ada pada 31 Mac?

yeah.. something happened last night.. I seriously can't believe of what suddenly happened, out of the blue, between us. It's my fault, yes, I admit. Salah sbb I brought Thor's name inside the conversation and I didn't obey to your advice for me. I think it's the first time I saw you being THAT FREAKING angry. Yep, I think so. Takut..sgt...sgt2..

Tp kan, xrasa lawak ke? You gave me poison, but you also gave me cure. *clap clap*
How did u do that thou? I only know how to give you poison, but never know how to heal you, cure you.. Erm.. Sooo, nampak tak why we didn't suit each other? Nampak tak? Nampak tak?

Thou we both love each other deeply enough, I'm not suit to be with you. But that's fine, I tlg jaga jodoh org, so that org blh tlg jaga jodoh I. Sounds fair, kan? So.... who ever will that jodoh of yours be, insyaAllah she will be better than me. I'm just someone that you met along the way je.. Jauh lagi perjalanan. No worries.

Dah lama rasanya tak nangis esak2.. rasanya dulu last nangis mse you clash dgn I.. But this time, it felt different. Maybe sbb I rasa betul kot jodoh kita xpanjang....maybe.. Just fyi la kan, I cry myself to sleep.. cam org ape dah, tossing here and there, cari the most suitable place to sleep into.. Pkul 3 lebih jugak kot baru tido.. but yeah, nangis smpai tertido.. Hidung sumbat dua2.. nafas ikut mulut.. ya ampun, apa nak jadi la dgn Syazwani nie.. hahahahahha.. dah umur 24tahun kot, nangis cam budak kecik xmatang.. hehe.. bangun pagi, mata bengkak, merah.. adoii.. teruknyee.. sememeh muka xyah cakap la kan... hahahahha..

Syazwani, the childish gurl.. hukhukhuk.. Tu ler, sape suh syg Syazwani nie.. kan dah kena pasal.. hmmm...

I told ya before.. sangat la pelik untuk org yg suka kt Syazwani nie.. coz she didn't belong to anyone except Allah SWT and her family. That's it. She's not worth your time. Perangai ntah hape2.. Ego mencacak tinggi.. Nothing. Buat ape nk tmbah beban, bro. Kemon, move on.. Your life gonna be a lot easier.

Tapi sbb dh jnji nk tlg jaga jodoh org kan, so this Syazwani akan cuba jaga jodoh orang elok2, baik2, insyaAllah xdak calar sikit pun.. safe and sound.. sbb Syazwani ini mmg dilahirkan utk jaga org, jaga adik2, jaga mak ayah, jaga kwn2 dan juga jaga jodoh org mcm awak. Syazwani means 'harum bunga kasturi (haruman syurga)', so Syazwani ini akan terus mekar, blossom, wherever people need her to do so.. to make the day better..

untuk jodoh awak yg belom smpai lagi tu, dia pasti akn jaga awak leklok, dun worry.
til then, adios..

~31 March 2017~

love me, will you?

Salam

extracted from: Goblin

so this scene is regarding Dok Hwa, he wish to marry someone but he didnt know who. so Chief Kim was like leading him to know is there anyone that he is in love with. 

apparently, this struck me like a lightning. when i watched this scene, i kept on thinking about Adib, Adib and Adib. kannnn... i know, i sound crazy and havent move on. memang pun.. hahaha.. 

'we can still be friends.' - what a bullshit! Ex cant be friends. if we're still remain together side by side, it just show that we never had any feeling with each other before or we still have feeling with each other. in this case, i think, i do have some so, in order to erase him from my memories (thou i dun think i can do so), i need to stay away from him.. haha.. gudluck sesangat wani.. 

bye

Tanggal 9&10 Mac 2017

Salam.

I just thought I shud say something regarding what happened.
I mean, something was missing, I guess.. I think so..
I mean, it wasn't enough. I didn't convey my message in a proper manner so you'll understand.. I'm not even sure either you understand the meaning behind them or not..

Just a few clarifications here...

Yes, it's true. I felt deeply in lost when I lost you. I did and I still am being lost. I admit, I was so proud to choose my friends over you.. I believe that my friends were friends for life and I won't have any other opportunities to have this kind of friendship again with any other people. I thought boyfriend will come and go, love with be fluctuated here and there, and sometimes, something happen so love is lost in between. However I admit that I was wrong. It was completely different when I had you and after I lost you. Yep, I have my friends but they aren't always there like you did. I have my friends but sometimes they are busy with their own boyfriends and girlfriends. I have my friends, but I had no one to share problems with coz I'm their place where they dump all their problems to without even caring what's mine. But really, coz they maybe thought that I'm cool or what not but I have my own issues too and guess what, you are the only one that really hears what I think of, my insecurities, my problems and even small issues. You're always there and ready to help me, gives solutions and even nag at me. Sometimes you're damn annoying when you nagged at me all along the way, but screw me, coz everything that you said are real and true.. I've no objection to that. I adore you but I sometimes hummed the song played in the car and pretended that I didn't hear what you were saying, hoping that you will eventually stopped but instead I received another nagging since I was being disrespectful towards you. What a day, I thought so. But in this moment, believe me when I said, I miss those. Very. Much.

You told about that girl, the one you're trying to have a relationship with and you told me, she's not ready to marry yet since she thought of traveling with her friends after graduation while working first. Instead of traveling with her future husband ( in which in this case, maybe you), she choosed to travel with her friends more. Remember what I replied you?

"Don't worry, eventually people will know your value when they lose you. But that was the hard way of knowing. Give some time to that girl, she will grow more mature and eventually she'll know, that love some how will make everything become righteous and complete whatever missing. Give her some time. Friends will only be there until your university life, in ur working career, you'll have other colleagues and lots of people will come and go in your life. Those who stay till the end, are only your family, husband, wife and really close friends."

But little do you know, I hope, she will pick you and become your wife, InsyaAllah, I'll sincerely pray for both of you. She'll grow more matured and think about future instead of the joy that she wishes to have upon graduation. I sincerely hope that. You'll be in good, caring hands later on. You'll grow to be a better person, well I'm not saying that you're a bad person, you have no flaw in my eyes. You'll be fine. You'll do great. InsyaAllah.

As for Syazwani, she'll blossom fully in her own way. InsyaAllah.

With this, I sincerely wish you goodbye.

Your wani.